“Eh der bies! What brings ye te dis here me blag?”
For the Americans reading this blog, that is Maritime Canadian for “welcome to my blog”.
It’s been a while since I got to throw on my creative writing cap, and for that, I am sure you’re thankful. However, there are a few real epidemics running rampant through the woods of the great frozen north. There are some real polarizing health risks that we all need to be legitimately concerned about. The amount of emotion and ignorance around these topics has gotten my creative juices boiling over. Frankly (or Benly in my case), I think it’s time to bring new information to light.
Vaccines? Ha. You’re funny. I’m talking about the really threatening issues here. I present to you…
Also known as “ ’boggan butt ” by the locals, this slightly sodomistic condition results from an over-enthusiastic attempt at your own Cool Runnings. You’ll know it when you see it happening, and it won’t be a “this is going to be funny” type of observation. It will be an “I wonder if he can still use his pooper” kind of thought-process, with a hint of “so that jump really was too big.”
The local five-o are NOT trying to criminalize down-hill butt-slammings due to their injurious nature, however. What they are really trying to do is preserve the snow…since Canada doesn’t have enough snow right now. We need it to develop our hockey players, as discussed later.
When driving north, you get to a point where driving becomes…not driving. Once the fluffy gets too deep and the pow-pow surrounds you, it is time to dawn the greatest mechanized animal of our generation. No, it’s not the mechanical bull…or the mechanical moose even. It’s the motorized dog-sled. Known to outsiders as the “skidoo” or the “snowmobile”, the motorized dog-sled comes with some real risks, the most scary of which involves temporary paralysis of the hands.
You see, once we reckoned that the Iditarod rule-book showed no signs that our dogs had to be “dogs” per se, we knew what we needed to do next. Unfortunately, our new motorized dogs, especially the ones over 200cc, started putting off this weird vibration. And what was the result of vibrating, mechanical huskies, you ask? Hand numbness!
What did we do about it? We decided that vibrating dogs were no dogs at all. To spite the new losers of many a chilly challenge, we wittingly named our vibrating dogs “Arctic Cats”. It’s been 7 generations now, and our frozen feline machines are still causing neuropathies all over the maple-laden nation. It’s OK though, because we’re sparing huskies left, right, and centre. PETA would be proud of our useful neuropathic changes.
Unbeknownst to our friends to the south, Canadians make the best hockey players for a very specific reason. It is not because of our culture. It’s not because most (if not all) of us have back yard rinks, even in the summer.
It’s because of shoveling. Snow, specifically.
You see, shoveling snow is to the back-hand shot as spin class is to road cycling; it’s not exactly the same thing, but it sure is a good way to get stronger at your activity (while wondering why you wouldn’t just perform the real activity).
Unfortunately, all the spinal flexion and rotation under load results in what we Canadians like to call “Shovel Back”. It looks suspiciously like an intervertebral disc injury, but different in several key way. It’s way too complicated to explain here though. Not to mention, I specialize in treating this condition in my office and I don’t want to give away my in-depth knowledge of the physiological processes involved. If you’re really interested in what this ice-cold injury has been doing to the backs of Canadians, learn how to prevent it from the best, Dr Stuart McGill…before it’s too late.
This might not be categorized as an injury in some play books, but it presents a real threat to Canadian chiropractors everywhere. Where there are no mountains to be easily accessed, sideways thinking folks (such as myself) take to the flat ground snowy trails. Until recently, this had been done primarily in the forms of cross-country skiing, skate skiing, and snowshoeing. However, all the kids these days have decided to abandon their iPhones because they die too quickly in the subzero temperatures. What’s a mid-teens to mid-thirties half-stoned hipster to do with their spare time in the winter when there are no rinks, no mountains, and cross-country skiing is soooo 1995?
Crosscountry Snowboarding of course. As you’ll find out in the following video, this awesome new “sport” comes with some real risks…
So there you have it folks. We’ve got some real issues at hand in the land of gravy and cheese curds. I was hesitant to reveal such shocking truths to you, in light of all the struggles Canadians have been having with many a polarizing health topic recently. But when you’ve got a strong, uninformed, and completely unrelated opinion, you really need to share it and choose your friends based on it, you know?
In our next instalment, we tackle some of the less controversial health topics, such Hockey Head, Ice-hap Hips, Skier’s Scaphoid, and Curler’s Knee.